If I Fell

If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true? I have been in love before and found that love was more than holding hands. If I give my heart to you, I must be sure in the very start that you would love me more than her.

Labyrinth of Life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free. Blackbird fly into the light of the dark black night.

Twisting and turning, caught by every thorny corner,
Left, right turns into right, left, a lone branch
scratches and attacks my lovely green sweater,
a tear down my cheek, it is impossible.

I see you in the sky dear Blackbird,
finding the light that I so dearly miss,
I envy you with the deepest part of my soul,
as you hit the stream of air and disappear.

They wanted a revolution before they caught
me and threw me into this garden of destruction.
I gave them what they wanted and now I'm only alone,
done for and scarred with the black patches of fire.

Tiny dove, little spot of white, what do you have in your beak?
What do you carry so gallantly as you surf through the sky?
Is that an olive branch I see? Do you mean to sing a song
of peace? For that's all I wish sometimes. Forgiveness.

It would've been a year

It would've been a year today. It would have been a year of smiling and laughing and goofing around with plenty of love and affection. But no, life goes on and things change. I push it down. I shove it to the back of my mind, but it's still hard. It probably will always be hard. You can't fall the way I had and just get over it in a couple of months. No, it would've been a year today.

It's crazy to think how things changed. I find myself just wanting to share moments again. I remember the little moments when we used to go to farmers markets and when he taught me how to drive. It's the little moments, like cooking a steak on the stove and wishing we had a grill. It never mattered really how the food came out, it was always delicious. It was the driving along, hand in hand, window open and hair flying everywhere. It was him wrapping a blanket around me on a long drive home because he knew I needed some sleep. I miss the little moments. I miss helping him pick out outfits or sharing a bag of chips, getting crumbs all over the bed.

But sadly, what I'm learning, is that you can't have everything. People change, situations change, everything does. It's like New England weather, changing all the time. I try to roll with the punches. I'm slowly moving on and changing myself. But none of it means it doesn't hurt. None of it means I don't miss him. One time, around November, we looked at each other and set a date in my phone for our one year anniversary. That date was going to be the happiest day of our lives.

I try and be strong. I do. I put on a strong face and push it all behind me. But today, I'm weak. Because it would've been a year today.

Refuse

Dear body,
   I refuse to get sick. I need to write a 10 page play, submit my Aerie poems and I have too much planned this weekend. I refuse to miss the autism walk or my date or riding Missy or the brother meeting. So body, bye bye blahness. I refuse.

Sincerely,
   a disgruntled poet who cannot afford this right now

Rain rain go away

Rain rain go away.
All I wanna do is curl up in my blanket
and sleep until forever.
Make some hot choco
and sleep until forever.
Rain rain no one wants you here.
You make us sleepy and blah
and cast a gloom over our eyes.
So rain rain, dear rain
go away and let me sleep forever.

Friday- Rebecca Black

Ok ok so some of you guys may murder me for posting this. BUT come on, it's Friday and it's raining and we could all use a laugh.

We Rise

Such a time comes in a young person's life
when suddenly the gray sky isn't important,
the sun may hide behind the clouds
or the humidity may fill the air, cause
you to swim through it. Rather, it is once
night falls that the tepid wind crawls
over the skin, prickles the hair on your arm.

You walk with your head high above your shoulders,
with the grace of a black crane, knowing
you are you, that every scar scattered into your skin
is only that, a mark. Those marks do not define you.
You choose to walk with your tail tucked,
head down, back slouched. But there are some of us
who do not settle or bow our heads in shame.

We stand tall, backs straight, a perfect balance.
We have been through more than our lives should,
but it is a higher power that knows we can do it.
We do not accept arrogance or naivety, we rise
above. Always pushing, always trying and always
standing together as one.

I've Just Seen a Face- Jim Sturgess

Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
But I'd have never been aware
But as it is I'll dream of her tonight

Falling, yes I am falling
And she keeps calling me back again

I have never known the like of this
I've been alone and I have
Missed things and kept out of sight
For other girls we're never quite like this.

Falling, yes I am falling
And she keeps calling me back again.

My Extended Family

College is a home away from home, a place wrapped up in fun and work and fellowship. Friends make all the difference in one's life and when you have an extended family of them, it's even better. Some approach college as a way to simply get a degree or as one big party. The truth of the matter is that college has to be a mix.

College, with all of its ups and downs, hardships and fun, is a tough time and having an extended family makes a big difference in how your experience is going to go. I started out college ready to have a balance of friends and work, but I didn't know the meaning of an extended family.

Over my time at college, my closest friends have become my extended family (you know who you are. :) and trust me, I know because I know you read this blog.) However, it took me until this year to find the rest of my family. Now, dear follower, you may be very confused at this post and I feel I am rambling a bit. But here's the blunt out truth, I am as of this past Sunday, an official pledge for Alpha Phi Omega. I could not be happier.

APO is not directly attached to Greek Life so don't start going around "AHHH she joined a sorority!" APO is so different. Not only are we co-ed and have less dues, but we're really focused on community service and family.

Now the definition of family in this instance isn't just the metaphorical type. For those of you who don't know how APO runs, we are like a typical frat in the sense of bigs and littles, grandbigs and grandlittles included. So really when we say we're a big family, we are.

I love my Big. I may have only known him about 2 weeks now (ish) but we click and it's a good Big/Little combo. But my family isn't just him. My grandbig was just as excited to have me as a grandlittle as my Big was to have me as a Little. The whole frat is intertwined. (We figured out today I'm one girl's great great grandniece.)

We operate like a family, like a group. We all have our differences, but I know as I step out of my room in the morning with my pledge pin on exactly what I represent. I'm proud to say I'm an APO pledge and eventual Brother.

I found what was missing in my college experience and I'm so happy to have found it right before it was too late. <3 p="p">

Can't Stop Me Now by Afrojack and Shermanology

After a long Monday, seriously all I need is some good music. This week has already proven to be an insane one and I'm not sure what I'm getting myself into.

Wolf & I by Oh Land

It's amazing how one day a song could mean so much and then it seems like you blink and the meaning completely changes. It's not in a bad way. It's actually quite okay. It's just changed, that's all. My heart is somewhere I never expected it to be and I love it. 

Rink

"Love will come through it's just waiting for you."

It was the scene of a bad 70s movie. The rumpled streaked blue carpet,
the big bubble letters hanging on the walls. The back wall lined
with skates, four wheeled and leather, straight wheeled and plastic.
Mysterious shadow blanketing the back of the rank, the cracked
half walls, the polished wooden floor. I wheel up, snapping the closures
on my skates. Dressed to kill in the skinny yoga pants and off the shoulder
shirt, I fit right in. At first unsteady, but gaining balance and making my way
to the floor. Stepping on, holding onto the wall. But wait, I know this.

Beginning to make my way around the rink, one foot in front of the other,
gliding, freedom. I want to laugh with the delight of being in control.
Friend skates up, holding hands. We slide and glide along together,
having our girly fun. The lights begin to blink with the steady colors
of blue and green, red and yellow. The beat vibrates from the DJ.
Friend lets go, I'm on my own, traveling solo. But you cut in front,
slow down unknowingly. I have nowhere to go, trapped, I reach
for you. I go down flat on my ass, but you're there to help me up.

Smiling, there's something in our eyes, but gone in a blink.
We continue on in our solo way, tasting the sweet nectar of freedom
and power, control and speed. A crowd of our friends gather on the wall,
a picture. I try to stop, but run into the wall, the toes of my skates slamming.
You, already there, wrap an arm around my waist, safety. I do not crash
over the wall. You look into my eyes, there's something there, but I cannot
put my finger on it. I do not quite know. We continue on our solo way.
But it is not long before my solo run, gliding along the outer circle,
becomes a joint adventure as you skate next to me, dancing along,
just as in beat with me as you are with the music. You reach for my hand,
I place mine in yours. If there were not a ceiling above, sparks
would have flown. No longer is it a solo adventure, for I have you at my side.

Sparkle

So many things light up with the glint of the sun.
The river water shines, waves tumbling with a breeze.
A strand of hair glistens its coppery red.
Sunlight bounces off a mirror and I see me.

Tiny sparkles line my ears, three at the bottom,
mint and pearl and silver. Turning to the left,
a small glistening of a purple silver nestled
in the top crevice. But the mirror shows more.


I am covered in sparkles, from a pink snakeskin
dress to the black bow belt around my waist.
Even my shoes shine of gold in the light.
I am surrounded by sparkles and they are me.


The special sparkle lies deepest in me, an orb
centered in my eye. It's like the chocolate brown
has become a shining metal, brightening
and smiling with the heat of happiness.

Dear Stars

Hello stars, so far off in the distance,
sparkling so quietly in the sky while I sit
in this dew sprinkled grass. You watch
me, dear stars. I know you do as I contemplate
life down on the ground. I can feel the rocks
in my back, the ant mounds under my feet.

The clouds are beginning to block you, dear
stars. They rumble over your twinkle,
hiding you safely from the world. It's a good
thing, as you need to rest for a spell.
My curls spread out into the green blades,
wild and free, much like you, dear stars.

Dear stars, are you guarded by the moon?
Does the moonlight cascade over your light?
You must sparkle brighter when the moon
is behind the clouds and you are not.
But the full moon must hurt your eyes,
it lights up so, so bad for you, my star friends.

Take me with you, my dear stars.
Lift me from this dirt and into the sky, to fly
and blink with the light of a million years.
We can battle the moon together, circle
the planets, cheer on our shooting cousins.
Just you and I, my dear stars.

You had me at hello

All you need is love.

You had me at hello,
the second you ordered
the same chicken wrap,
your smile, the teasing
me that I enjoy killing
my Sims 3 through death
by pool. Both seniors,
knowing the nostalgia
and the stress, both hired
after we get that slip
of paper. Now, I just want
to cuddle with you, watch
Castle, Big Bang Theory,
Firefly. Play Skyrim,
the Sims, and all the games.

I want you to teach
me how to play pool
as you explain the physics
of the game to me.
Somehow, we got past
your love of Apple
and my chick flicks.
I don't mind having you
tap on my backpack
when you see me stroll
by, just for a hug because
you had me at hello.

Snakebite

Running through a maze,
purple walls, pink walls,
gray, black, concrete, dirt
underfoot. Miles in the sky,
hands outstretched, searching
for a door. A button,
a silent elevator. Chasing
down the black, an opening.

Giant swing, gears creaking,
back and forth, away and toward.
A hiss snaking up from the ground,
the sound of a sweet rattle shaking.
Slithering on the ground,
a chain of red. Hands grasp
wooden pole. Shaking, slicing
off the rattle. Giant leap,
swinging across. Solid.

Running, always running,
Another button,
silent elevator. Angry.
Pounding it into the wall,
the creak of another swing.
To the edge of solid floor,
toes barely safe, a purple chain
below, hissing, hissing.
Pole still in hand, trying to smash.
No luck.

Fall.

Black Rimmed

I used to look at the world through bare eyes,
naive like a child's teddy bear, naked and vulnerable,
an egg sitting unprotected on the edge of a cliff.
And that was ok, when I had you protecting me.
I could cower in the shadows, daily a masquerade.
But now, I have risen from the darkness.

I grew rims the color of midnight around my eyes,
saw the world for what it truly was, an eagle born
from the abandoned nest. I shook off the broken
shells and took flight. Now when you see me,
you run away, but I will not run from you,
I take flights, spreading magnificent wings.

I fly with a straight back, an air of predator,
but talons with the gentle nature of holding
the child's teddy bear. I have grown into myself,
stretched my neck, standing tall. Protector fled,
I am no longer a fragile egg sitting in the nest,
so look into these black rimmed eyes and weep.

Looking Back

Just this afternoon, I received an email from something called 10Q. Now, 10Q was a set of 10 questions I filled out over 10 days this time last year. It had everything from what I was in the past, to the present to what I was looking forward to in the future. And damn, have I changed.

The last few questions asked me about my passions, a person that I wanted to investigate more, how I would feel when I opened the questions again a year later, and my predictions for 2012. So many of those questions revolved around my now ex boyfriend. I had written about my desires to make him happy and to remind myself how awesome he was everyday. Needless to say, nothing's the same.

Life changes in ways you would never expect. Nothing you ever think is going to come true, comes true. Life just picks you up and drags you where it wishes. Now, this is not to say I'm unhappy with where I am now. Actually, it's quite the opposite. But it's like going back on Facebook to your old pictures from high school. They're memories, but memories that will not come around again. You have a touch of nostalgia and for what where there, but you realize and know the truth of the matter.

With the 2012 10Q coming up again in a few days, I'm going to be sure to answer them because quite honestly, I smile when I see how far I've come and what I've been able to accomplish.

The True Writer's Block

12 hours to figure out what I want to write a play about. Can't think of anything. Uh oh.

One More Night- Maroon 5

It's a long night in the office so music is the only savior. :) This song just makes me want to dance and smile.

Out of the Comfort

Senior year college. Those three words are more terrifying than anything I've ever heard. Well, terrifying and extremely exciting. As a senior, it's time to make my last mark on the university. In result, I've gotten out of my apartment and into the world just that much more. Besides being Managing Editor of the paper, I have also decided to pledge APO (a co-ed service frat) and have met some of the best people. I've met new friends and it's only the first week.

As a person that comes off as outgoing and sometimes intimidating, it can be tough for me. Sometimes, I just want to be by myself. However, stepping out of this comfort zone has been the best thing for me. I've started working out and running and now have an exercise group of fellow students that go on runs, play Wii Fit and just generally love bettering ourselves.

If I had stayed in my little comfort bubble, I would be miserable. Schoolwork just isn't enough in life. I learned last year about balance. I found that although I had the newspaper, school and a relationship, things were out of sync. So instead, I found my frat, found exercise and kept the whole work and school and newspaper part. It has been the best decision of my life.

I can say I am happy. I walk with a little pep in my step. I know that I will leave this university in the spring with a job (I'm already hired. WOOT less senior stress!) and having had a great time.

Revolution- Beatles

I don't know what it is about the Beatles lately. Between the Beatles and Fun, I've had the best constant playlist I've had in awhile. It's just got everything I need in it. This song in particular is just BAM I'm rocking this.

Elephant in the Room

There's an elephant sitting on my head,

pushing down with his ivory trunk into 

my heart, his big feet pouncing on my lungs.

I always thought too much and I guess

the elephant knew that so he tried to

squish it all in by sitting on me. 

A circus trick you know, supposed 

to be good for me. Nah, instead

it just squeezed the air out of me.

My heart began pumping for all

its might, fighting the elephant

in the room. No good.

My mind still wants to explode,

a bomb set off in Afghanistan. 

All I know is that I need air.

I can try to breathe, inhale

through my nose, exhale

through my nose, but no good.

Mr. Elephant wants to keep sitting.

He doesn't ask me. He doesn't approach.

Rather, he whispers in the darkness.

But I can't hear him, only the others.

He doesn't dare tell me to my face.

Rather, he is a cowardly elephant.

I don't like elephants that much.

The peanut shells get everywhere.

The tricks are so cliche.

I've seen it all, in circus after circus.

Everyone thinks they have something special.

But I never liked elephants that much.