It would've been a year

It would've been a year today. It would have been a year of smiling and laughing and goofing around with plenty of love and affection. But no, life goes on and things change. I push it down. I shove it to the back of my mind, but it's still hard. It probably will always be hard. You can't fall the way I had and just get over it in a couple of months. No, it would've been a year today.

It's crazy to think how things changed. I find myself just wanting to share moments again. I remember the little moments when we used to go to farmers markets and when he taught me how to drive. It's the little moments, like cooking a steak on the stove and wishing we had a grill. It never mattered really how the food came out, it was always delicious. It was the driving along, hand in hand, window open and hair flying everywhere. It was him wrapping a blanket around me on a long drive home because he knew I needed some sleep. I miss the little moments. I miss helping him pick out outfits or sharing a bag of chips, getting crumbs all over the bed.

But sadly, what I'm learning, is that you can't have everything. People change, situations change, everything does. It's like New England weather, changing all the time. I try to roll with the punches. I'm slowly moving on and changing myself. But none of it means it doesn't hurt. None of it means I don't miss him. One time, around November, we looked at each other and set a date in my phone for our one year anniversary. That date was going to be the happiest day of our lives.

I try and be strong. I do. I put on a strong face and push it all behind me. But today, I'm weak. Because it would've been a year today.